Kit’s latest scheme involves running a dating agency. Inbetween attempting to match up various unlikely lonely hearts, Kit turns his attentions to his own romantic desires: attempting to win over Pamela. Maybe he needs a change of approach? Pam’s seen through most of his plans so far—will she see through this one?

About

The fifth episode of ‘Kit Curran’ aired on the 18th of August 1986 on Channel Four. It is the second series of ‘The Kit Curran Radio Show’, with a different name, one significant cast change, and a modified set up. Produced by Thames Television and created by Andy Hamilton, the second series sees Guy Jenkin join the writing team. This episode stars Denis Lawson as ‘Kit Curran’, Clive Merrison as ‘Damien Appleby’, Paul Brooke as ‘Les Toms’ and Lindsay Duncan as ‘Pamela Scott’.

Availability: Out on Region 2 DVD as of 2018. Also available on UK iTunes, but mislabelled as Series 1, in a confusing manner. The watch quality of the DVD is better than these screencaps suggest—it’s an improvement over the VHS rips of re-runs that were circling before it was released—but you can tell the footage hasn’t been best preserved.

Blind Date

Kit has bought a new carpet. However, he can’t afford a new carpet. So, as there’s a guarantee on it—stain free or your money back—he is desperately trying to stain the darn thing.

Damien is curious about Kit’s latest grand, money-making scheme. Is this going to be the one that works? (Spoiler alert: nope. But you all knew that.) Kit’s decided to start a dating agency. Rosebud Dream Date Computer Dating. And their first client, Wendy, has already turned up. Damien is horrified.

Kit’s selling point for their magical new dating service is that everyone is matched by computer. (said Computer is, in fact, Les’s aunt’s microwave.) Wendy doesn’t seem particularly convinced by any of this, but nevertheless signs up and pays the twenty pound registration fee.

When Les finds out about the dating scheme, he’s also less than convinced. He also points out the key flaw in Kit’s plan: he only has one client. Who’s he going to send her out on a date with? Les is soon going to wish he never asked that question, because it seems that Kit’s solution is to send Les out.

Even at the restaurant, Kit is still attempting to talk Les into it. As always, Kit has to resort to lies to do so, saying that Wendy is a cordon-bleu chef.

“You’re lying. I can tell, your lips moved.”

But they’re out of time. Les is stuck on the date, and Kit makes a quick exit through the window.

The following day, Kit is still trying his best to put a stain in the carpet. Pam appears with the mail—and to discover what Kit’s latest scheme is. Kit, once again, attempts to ask her out on a date and she’s not having it. More importantly, Les is back from his date, and he is less than impressed. Wendy turns out to have been a vegan, and Les is not pleased with this.

To make it up to him, Kit takes Les out for a meal, where they discuss their woes with women. Kit wonders whether he needs to be more vulnerable and tragic to win Pam over. Kit decides to try it out. Dabbing some water under his eyes, he summons over the waitress and proceeds to burst into sobs. She is immediately won over by his completely tragic story.

Following this success, Kit tries it on Pam. He slips a letter, informing him of a personal tragedy, under her door. When Pam comes to return it, Kit opens it. It’s a faked letter from the hospital, stating that Kit only has six months to live. He says to he wants to start things over, and Pam agrees to have dinner with him to talk it over.

Damien and Les are busy matching up applicants for the dating agency by the tried and tested method of picking names out of a hat. Kit is busy applying pale makeup to his face so he can sell the tale of him being terminally ill.

Kit and Pamela have that dinner. Kit is already displaying several tragic symptoms of the disease he supposedly has, like mistakenly pouring Pamela a glass of gravy instead of wine. It’s all terribly tragic.

His tactics seem to be working though. Pamela is being sympathetic. All seems to be going alright for Kit. But then, his first sign up from the dating agency reappears, with mortifying stories of the several terrible dates Kit has sent her on. But just as Kit is fearing for his life, Wendy pulls out a microphone.

She is actually Jennifer Standish, and she works for the BBC, and Kit is finally going to end up being on the BBC… even if not quite in the way he intended. She’s not having it though. Pamela attempts to step in, inform Jennifer that he’s gravely ill. Jennifer, however, sees straight through Kit’s rouse. The deadly disease he has? Only affects cats.

Pam is less than impressed.

Verdict

Kit really does think he is god’s gift to women. He thinks nothing of promoting the dating agency by saying that the women who sign up have the chance to date someone like him. Therefore, it’s quite a bump back down to earth when, of course, Wendy has slightly different tastes. She’s looking for someone a little less ‘flash’. Kit, of course, doesn’t consider himself flash, and is rather offended by the very suggestion!

There are many great physical gags in this show, Denis Lawson jumping and throwing himself around places like no one’s business, but none more so than the moment where Kit jumps out the window. It’s the ultimate moment of avoidance. Of all the gags in the series, it’s one of the ones that typifies it the most; if I wanted to sum up this madcap series, I’d probably show someone the scene of Les and Kit in the restaurant. It captures them both perfectly.

The fake advert on the pirate radio is amazing. Lawson’s vocal range is once again on fine form, backed up by Les making various noises.

Kit’s new ploy to win Pam over is terrible and I hate to say it: god, Kit, this is the most attractive you have been all season. You are on to something. Do not tell anyone. I am horrified about this. Of course, it all comes to naught once Pam finds out he’s not, in fact, terminally ill. But it’s Kit’s best attempt yet.

There’s some real humour going with the potential dating pool applicants, most of it… not offensive, all things considered. It’s the sort of segment that really has the potential not to age well, and it manages to avoid most of the cliches.

Denis also gets to show off his vaudeville talents! There is no good reason for this whatsoever that I can tell but I am delighted by it.

All in all? A great episode. There’s lots of lovely little touches, some fantastic moments from Lawson, and one of Kit’s best plans yet ends up brilliantly foiled. He gets his comeuppance, in this episode, and he deserves every bit of it.

Next time

It’s the last episode of Kit Curran. Kit’s latest scheme involves running a health clinic, providing alternate remedies. Will this be the time he finally, finally, gets his comeuppance, or will he get away with it like he always does? Find out next time in Kit Curran: Doctors Can Seriously Damage Your Health.